Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl![]()
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.