JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Warm pools make me nervous.