JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
i choose….tongue
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married