JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard