“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
You Might Also Like
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.