Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own