That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
That’s classic.
Somebody’s lying.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Bike for sale
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.