I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through