@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

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@squirrel74wkgn

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

@MoneypennyNaked

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

@amyhermes

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

@SoVeryBritish

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

@Rollinintheseat

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

@YourDailyGroan

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”