*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.


I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.


This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.


“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that


*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”


I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.


Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.


Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”