*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”