I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.