[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
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Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*