You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
#CoronaOutbreak
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one