Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused