she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?