Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time