Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn