[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.