I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha