Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
6: are snakes just neck?
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.