One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before