Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
This line from Airplane.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….