I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers