What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume