“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348