They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
All excellent questions
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.