If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.