Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁