Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank