[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.