Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
You Might Also Like
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
concern
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”