I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm