“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy