Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You Might Also Like
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame