Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.