I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
😂💯
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no