[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Leaving the Barbers like
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Best table by far
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??