“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
You Might Also Like
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.