her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
You Might Also Like
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.