Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
absolute chaos
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I know
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops