i guess his teacher was really pissed
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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
gentlemen, hear me out
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.