@UncleDuke1969

i guess his teacher was really pissed

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@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@toomanytoes

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

@JoeRegular4

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

@GianDoh

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@Rollinintheseat

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.