@UncleDuke1969
@iRowlf Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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@iRowlf 
@ch000ch i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
@toomanytoes Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
@reesespiece_ The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
@JoeRegular4 Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
@GianDoh If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
@EJGomez judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
@Rollinintheseat Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
@PaperWash doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
@shanethevein The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.