My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My background check bounced.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
This meal prepping shit easy