Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You Might Also Like
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.