[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.