INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?