If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.