I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright