Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You Might Also Like
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.