bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit