<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
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“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.