Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night