Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Blew out my flip flop…
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.