Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: