Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ready to be harvested
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
kids play hide and seek like
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.